Being an Illuminator

Back in March when I began my look at creating community and belonging, I was looking at the ways in which we interact with people. In particular, what gets in the way of seeing people clearly. Today I am revisiting this theme and looking at it from the perspective of how we can perceive people in a better way because I have been talking about how we need to change the stories we tell about ourselves and each other. In order to that we need to learn a new way of perceiving people. This is important integration work because knowledge without doing anything differently, isn’t really knowledge. If we are going to change the world, we need to see people accurately - because “if we don’t see them accurately, we will treat them wrongly.”

In his book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, David Brooks talks about being an “Illuminator”.

“Being an Illuminator, seeing other people in all of their fullness, doesn’t just happen. It’s a craft, a set of skills, a way of life.” David Brooks, How to Know A Person

And, I think it is imperative to be an Illuminator (as often as you can) if you are going to be the Queen. I also find it incredibly difficult to be this way. Fortunately, Brooks agrees that it is difficult and acknowledges that we will fall short a lot of the time. Illuminating people requires us to look beyond the cliche character types that we lay on people. Brooks says we lazily apply cliche character types on people and I think he is right.

The point Brooks makes in this early chapter in his book is that how we look at the world determines the kind of person we become. He says the way we show up in the world, in our physical and mental presence, “sets a tone for how people interact with us. Some people walk into a room with an expression that is warm and embracing; others walk in looking cool and closed up. Some people first encounter others with a gaze that is generous and loving; other people regard those they meet with a formal and aloof gaze.” Put another way:

“A person who is looking for beauty is likely to find wonders, while a person looking for threats will find danger. A person who beams warmth brings out the glowing sides of the people she meets, while a person who conveys formality can meet people and find them stiff and detached.”

Brooks shares an example of an encounter with an elderly and standoff-ish woman he was interviewing. When a mutual friend walked in the diner, her entire demeanor changed. She was a completely different person. This is because of the difference in the way Brooks and the mutual friend show up in the world. They bring out different sides and perceptions of people. Neither way is a complete picture of who the person is, though.