I'm a High Maintenance Friend

And, maybe you are too?

I had lunch with someone a few months ago and she said the most honest thing. We were talking about building community and making new friends and she said she is not the type of person who needs to talk to her friends everyday - and she would prefer not to. This shocked me because I had never been honest with anyone about what I look for or need in friendships before. She said it with such confidence. And, I was not at all insulted by it.

I am a burn down the village type of person and when I am finished with a lesson I am really done with it and everyone associated with it. I look at this as a bit of a flaw, but it has served me in some ways. It’s true, I have hurt people and really set some bridges on fire. But until I reach that point, I am the most loyal, honest and faithful friend you will ever have. Integrity, honesty, authenticity and generosity of spirit are some very strong core values of mine and I bring them into all of my relationships. And, one thing I complain a lot about when I feel frustrated by my own lack of community, is that my effort is not reciprocated and I feel resentful.

On IG I recently saw this reel that talks about exactly what I am thinking about right now. It’s the inspiration for this post. You can view it here. I think there is a longer version on TikTok but I have not seen it.

The video talks about how being a low maintenance friend (one like the friend I had lunch with) is the ideal way to be, according to our society. This is not who I am and that surprised me about myself. (Its also not how the content creator is in the video). I love sharing the random thoughts that pop into my head and any bit of information I get my hands on that I think would benefit you or amuse you in any way. I really love connecting and communicating with people. While I did not feel insulted when my lunch friend made her comment, I did feel some shame for a bit. I wondered if I am too needy. I have very strong boundaries and when the level of friendship I am talking about is my deep inner circle. I don’t keep in touch with all of my acquaintances or casual friendships. I know many of you are thinking about how busy you are and how hard it is to keep in touch, blah blah. This isn’t about everyone. If you are too busy and you are happy with life the way it is - fantastic. I’m not telling you your way of life is wrong.

In the video Alex talks about how a lack of effort leads to a lack of connection. I’m thinking about the friendships I have ended over the last few years and most of them I ended the friendship because I did not feel seen or even known. After seeing this video and thinking about it, I contributed to that issue by not sharing more of myself. And those friends had different friendship needs than I did.

I used to chase the dream friendships of an old friend of mine and then once I was in that world, I realized that she didn’t have many friends - she had dozens of acquaintances. And, that was just not what I am looking for.

So, going back to feeling resentful, I haven’t been honest with myself at times about what I need from friendships and in not being honest, I became resentful and vacillated between thinking these people were toxic or that there is something wrong with me. It’s easy to get into that way of thinking - that there is something wrong with or there is something wrong with them. What’s a bit tougher is stepping out of that cycle and realizing that neither of us is wrong, we just want different things. And the next challenge, then, is to allow what we want to need to be right.

There is another online video or reel I saw recently where a Gen Z woman was talking about how friends don’t pick each other up at the airport anymore. She said people are insulted or put out when you ask them for help. She was making a statement that she will pick you up at the airport if you need her to. She is that kind of friend. I have two similar stories. One was where I did need help because it was dangerously cold outside and my car would not start. I couldn’t get home. My friend told me to get an Uber. Another time I wanted a friend to help hold me accountable for a goal I wanted to achieve around consistency - just ask me a few times a week who I am doing with that goal. We spoke frequently enough through out the week anyway that I wasn’t asking for any more time than she was already giving me. She told me to join weightwatchers. These are not the kinds of friendships I want and I don’t anymore. I am not friends with those women anymore.

So, I leave you with my own declaration - I am a high maintenance friend. I value putting in mutual effort and maintaining a connection and I will pick up from the airport. I will come and get you in the freezing cold so you don’t die in a parking lot downtown when its too cold for your car to start. I welcome a phone call from you. And, if you need someone to help keep you on track with your goal, I will keep asking you about it.

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On Tuesdays each week I will share a personal story or something I have been thinking about. On Thursdays each week I will share information on a topic I am interested in, such as Human Design. The weekend is when premium posts will be released as well as a free weekly oracle reading (if there is one for that week).